


To be selfish

by staringatstars



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Guilt, Post-Series, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-17
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-12-16 14:24:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11830581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/staringatstars/pseuds/staringatstars
Summary: There were six people in the whole universe that mattered, then there was only one.Now the count's back to six and Taako's struggling with the math.





	To be selfish

They were back on the Starblaster, the way they were always meant to be, and Taako was in the kitchen, whipping up a batch of eggs the way he’d done once upon a time in a century that felt like a dream, except he’d been staring blankly at the creamy mixed yolks in his bowl for the past thirty minutes, his eyes closed, mouth pressed tightly into a thin line.

He’d gotten up early to make breakfast, so some distant part of him realized that he had time to just… space out. Before Lup rolled out of bed, waking up Barry in the process, and Angus pounced on Magnus, no doubt put up to it by Merle. 

And Taako would smile and he would laugh and he would tease because that was what he did. And hopefully none of them would figure out what he had come to realize, that beneath all the jibes and the pranks, he was actually just a really shitty person. 

He still remembered growing up alone, fending for himself. How many lives had he crushed beneath his boots just to survive? Except that wasn’t real, was it? Those memories were all fake, a placeholder to stand in where his memories of Lup were supposed to be. Now, he knew that he’d grown up with support and encouragement from the world’s most kickass sibling… And that meant he’d spent the last decade acting like he was the only person on the planet that mattered for no reason whatsoever. 

Poisoning the townspeople that had come to see his show wasn’t some illusion that he could wave away with the excuse that it didn’t really happen. That was forty innocent lives on his hands, lives that would have never been taken if the right twin had been stuck in that umbrella. 

Even his occasional jabs at Magnus and Merle hadn’t always been good-natured or kind. Sometimes he’d poked at raw, festering wounds with a stick, because he was always hurting and he didn’t know _why._

And now he did, but it didn’t make him feel any less like the scum of the earth. Lup would have stayed a good person without him. She would have helped people. And if it’d been her in his place when the townspeople had started doubling over with wide, bugged out eyes, she’d have helped them - she’d have saved them. She wouldn’t have driven away, gone on the run and tried to forget like a coward. 

But he would never forget.

There were forty people. Children and teens and old folks just looking for something to do. 

And then there wasn’t. Because every single one of them died, and for what? Because he was too greedy to share the adoration of the crowd for half a damn second?

He was interrupted from his brooding when Merle stumbled out onto the deck, still clad in an oversized pink onesie. The tip of his curly red beard, overgrown now that they no longer needed to worry about fighting the Hunger, brushed the ground as he walked, and as he shuffled his way to the table, it nearly tripped him up. He lurched forward, arms pinwheeling wildly as he struggled to regain his balance, before eventually righting himself with a relieved grunt. 

Clapping a hand over his mouth to smother the cackle threatening to spill out, Taako breathed through his nostrils until the urge lost its claws, fading to little more than an itch in the back of his throat. 

Despite or perhaps because of his silence, Merle glanced suspiciously back at him over his shoulder. “Well, go on then, aren’t ya gonna laugh at ol’ Merle? Got another crack about my healing in ya?”

 _What healing?_ Taako thought with ill-concealed amusement, but instead said, “Nah. Not today, my man.” And Merle huffed, but as the rest of their merry band shuffled in, with bleary eyes and hungry bellies, Taako could feel the dwarf’s keen gaze lingering on him. 

For once the conversation at the breakfast table ebbed and flowed without him, and as he listened, a part of him wondered if it didn’t actually seem smoother and more fluid without his inane contributions. It moved seamlessly from buying Barry khakis in the shops once they docked on earth for a refuel, to Magnus and the possibility of starting a family. 

Perhaps it was because Taako was so engrossed in this novelty of listening to a conversation without participating in it that Angus managed to surprise him with an innocent query, “Have you ever thought about starting a family, sir?”

Stunned, Taako blinked while Kravitz loudly choked on his omelet. Once he’d settled somewhat, Taako ran his fingers through a lock of platinum blond hair that was no longer as thick or as shiny as it’d once been, and tried for flippant. “Oh come on, Ang,” he chuckled, “you know I’m not the kind of guy that should have something like that.”

He knew he was in trouble when his boyfriend’s human face briefly fell away to reveal the hollow, bleach-white skull underneath and his sister’s fork began to melt in her grip.

“Taako, we need to talk.” Lup announced tightly as she rose from the table. Then when he didn’t immediately move to follow her around the corner where there were no witnesses, added an emphatic, _“Now.”_

And he scrambled to catch up to her, ignoring the confused and sympathetic expressions in his periphery until he was out of sight, whereupon Lup promptly swatted him upside the head. 

“No one gets to talk about my brother that way,” she told him clearly while he winced, “not even you, lil bro.” There was something so soft in the way she dropped the rare endearment that Taako nearly let it drop there, nearly insisted that he was fine, passed it all off as some dreadful misunderstanding and went on his way, but then he remembered that Lup wasn’t there when he’d accidentally killed those townspeople, and she couldn’t have known anything about it. 

The realization brought with it another wave of bitterness that coated his tongue like venom, “Lup, sis, I appreciate it… but you don’t know what you’re talking about.” The flash of hurt that crossed her features then only made him feel like even more of a heel, because it wasn’t her fault she wasn’t there, and he couldn’t blame her for it, but the simple fact of it was there was a part of Taako, a part shoved into a corner, gathering dust and cobwebs in the dark, that wanted to. And yet, even he could see how ridiculous and petty it was to blame someone for not being there when they were too busy being a lich trapped in an umbrella. 

Rather than do the brave thing and watch her face to see what his words were doing to her, Taako found himself staring at her pointed shoes, “I’m not a good person, Lulu.” He heard a sharp intake of breath and rushed ahead before she could interrupt, “I’ve done bad things.” They’d spent their last breaths begging for him to help them and he’d let them down. Abandoned them. Ran. “I’ve hurt people and never stopped to think twice about it. The truth is that I’m a really shitty person surrounded by not-so-shitty people, and being with you guys is pretty much the single good thing about me.” Finally, he looked up, feeling raw and exposed. “How sad is that?” 

And his sister had tears in her eyes, but the tears didn’t spill, and she circled her arms around him, pulling him close with enough speed and rib-bruising strength to squeeze the air from his lungs. “Aw, Koko… I already know you’re messed up, but that’s okay because so am I. So are all of us.” Leaning down ever so slightly, because even though she’d been trapped and unaging, she was still taller than him, Lup pressed their foreheads together. The touch of her skin was like fire that seeped and spread at the contact. Taako hadn’t realized how cold he’d felt until suddenly that feeling was chased away by a blaze. Spots blooming in his vision forced him to realize that he’d been holding his breath, and he squeezed his eyes shut, exhaling and inhaling through his teeth. 

The conversation behind them dulled to a pleasant murmur in the background while she stroked long, slender fingers through his hair, “Forget about good and bad and shoulda, coulda, woulda, Taako. You’re perfect! And do you know how I know that?” He didn’t have a clue. She flicked an impatient nail against the tip of one of his pointed ears. “Because we’re twins, dingus!” 

And then there’s a gentle, yet insistent tugging on his cloak. Taako looked down to see Angus staring up at him with wide moon eyes before he threw his arms around his waist, the highest part of his body he could reach. Merle joined next, gruff and grumbling but there, his thick, strong arms secure and solid. He smelled like wood and metal, with a touch of ocean water from the last time he'd taken his kids to the beach. Then Barry, who somehow managed to squeeze into a spot between Angus and Merle so that he was still technically hugging Lup, even if it was just his chin brushing against the hem of her cloak. For Kravtiz, though, people moved and shifted to give him space, because he may have been one of them but he was still a reaper and bringers of death garnered automatic courtesies like that. 

And finally, Magnus ambled over, and his embrace was enough to encircle all of them at once, even lift them off the ground a few inches because the big guy couldn’t care less about curbing his enthusiasm. 

Taako counted under his breath, willing himself not to squirm or break contact, because all his issues aside, he loved every member of this patchwork family like they were the only people in the universe that mattered. It struck him then that he hadn’t fought the Hunger to save the world, or some strangers he’d never met. It’d been for them, and only for them. 

Was that selfish? Was it wrong to want his friends to be happy above everything and everyone else? And if so, did he care?

“It’s never been about what you deserve,” Lup told him, her voice gentle and steady and certain as she read him like a picture book. “It’s about what you have.” And she gestured to the bodies around them, to their irreplaceable friends, and with a challenge sparking in her eyes, said, “Now what are you going to do about it?”

His head lowered so that his fringe fell, concealing his expression, Taako carefully disentangled himself from the group and took a large step back. Angus anxiously tracked his movements, his gaze darting helplessly at the others, then watched with bated breath as the high-elf wizard slowly lifted up a fist to reveal a thumb trapped between his middle and forefinger. Taako swept the bangs away with the back of his hand to display a wide grin and mischief sparkling in his eyes, “I got your nose.” The young detective slumped with the sheer force of his relief. Then Taako raised his other hand to reveal six wallets splayed between his slender fingers. “And your wallets.” The sound Lup made at the revelation was like nothing that should ever be uttered in the land of the living. His satisfaction only growing as Magnus and Barry shook their heads, Taako danced away, taunting, “Yeah, next time this baby hits ground I think I’m going to buy a whole new wardrobe with all this money I just totally earned.” 

He glanced over his shoulder to check their reactions, “Holy sh-” only to immediately regret it when the first thing he saw was Lup tearing after him, and he turned on his heel to book it across the deck like his life literally depended on it. It wasn’t long before a snickering Angus joined in on the chase, even though his wallet had exactly one gold coin and a pack of gum in it, followed quickly by the others, who were significantly faster and more motivated to catch the thief, albeit for different reasons, and amidst all the commotion and the excitement, the melancholy from before faded to a thumbtack point in the back of Taako's mind. 

Maybe not gone forever, but so much less important than never, ever getting caught.


End file.
